Sunday, 23 December 2012

"Celebrate this Christmas in a new way"- with your Azeri internet bride!

A while ago, I shared a spam email my friend received from a girl wh was supposed to be an Azeri. We all had such great time reading those letters that I thought I would return to the topic again, since someone else contacted me with a similar, but a better quality spam.

I wonder if this is a sign that the Azeri women are gaining popularity ( thanks to what? Eurovision? Mrs Aliyev and her daughters? who knows)? But I do get people asking me whether i think it is a real Azeri girl sending them love emails quite often these days.

Now, this American guy contacted me on Scary Azeri Facebook page. Did I think this girl was a real thing, he was asking.

First of all, I had to explain to him, that her name- Asiya Malunova, does not sound very Azeri to me. Kind of close, but not quiteWell, never mind that. Let's look at one of her emails to our American friend. ( I cut some of it out not to bore you too much)


    • Once again I went to a cafe, and write letter to you my dear Jay. Reading your answer, I learned a lot. 
      ....I went to Baku, and learned how I can come to you. I know what it is necessary. I went to a travel agency so they help me and give me more information so I can know exactly what to do. As I told you, I'm not going to wait long months or even years before be with you. If we're not now take this step, it may not be a better chance. And then we will be sorry that we are not together. And I hope that you will agree with me.Agency provide its services, and was ready to sign a contract. But I'm not in a hurry. I does not sign until I talk to you. And only after you answer, I'll write them a letter (they give me their email address) and I'll ask them to start work. And just go to them for sign a contract.And now I think you need to hear what I have to do, so I can leave my country Azerbaijan.To start, I want to ask you, you just ready to be with me? And promise me that you will not make me a pain!!As soon as I say that I want to leave my country and go to you. They warned me that it could be dangerous. I'm not the first girl who leave the country. And just as many girls to leave Azerbaijan for various invitations, labor, and travel. And many simply do not come back. They disappeared. But after these words I was more afraid.Travel agent ask me before I went to somewhere ? I said no. and then he took out a folder and gave it to me to read.there were documents, photos, and a lot of different articles. Basically there says about prostitution and sale of people and slavery. I did not think that we have in the world still have slavery. Also there were photos, all those who left. Photo was two. One was before people leave the country, and a photo of the man when he was finding.Some pictures I could not see, they were terrible. It was also more photos of the girls. Travel agent told me that a lot of sexual slavery. And some of the girls are lured into other countries and used as prostitutes. And on this any agency in my country is obliged to warn all that could wait for him in another country.Believe me, after all that I tell, I was just was in shock, I even wanted to cancel to go to you. I was afraid. And I do not hide it. But because I did decide to learn everything . I told you that I will never be taking steps back. And I always will go forward. Then they told me, if you really want to leave Azerbaijan, then you need to have the following documents: a visa and passport. And return tickets. Since I have a tourist visa. And I have to buy a return ticket as well. Otherwise, I can not let go back to your country. Such rules in the agency, and in general in our country.So, on the documents: visa will be valid for 3 months, a passport will be valid for 3 years. To do this I have to submit a lot of documents to visit you! I'll have to do medical certificates, certificates of residence and information about my salary.I do it today, I have prepared all the necessary documents. And I think that's not a problem to prepare the travel documents. But in order for me to start to do things again, I ask you, are you ready? Are you ready to be with me? Are you willing to meet me at the airport soon?But there is one problem. Yes, it is financially. and I shall be sorry if tomorrow I will not see your letter, or I see an insulting letter. And you know, I will be very sad that you're going to think badly of me. But I still have to ask you about it. And to tell you all this.I talk about the cost. But this is only approximate. They will have the exact name of the airport, where I will fly to you, I ask you to tell me this in your next letter. And then they can say exactly how much it will all cost.And I just can not pay for everything myself fully that amount. I havesavings and some money. But this is not enough. This is about10 of the total trip cost. And I want to ask you. Are you afraid? (Smile).I ask this because I'm guessing that you might have in your head, but do not say anything bad.Believe me, I do not want you to hurt or deceive you. But I need to know if you are ready to be with me? And your words are powerful. And I understand that you are afraid of losing your money. And ready to give me back if I do everything myself, and come to you! But I really can not find all the money in full.Do not worry, I will not talk about you bad. But if you'll believe me, I'll believe you, too. And then we're both going to see that does not cost a thing to be afraid or anything. Because soon we're able to be together. Is wanted ... If you can help me with payment of my trip, it will show me that your intentions are honest, that you really want to have a serious relationship with me in the future and ready to do a lot for this. If you're going to say that I should find all money myself, then it will show me that you do not believe me you're afraid of losing your money and do not want to risk it. This would mean that you just want me to come to you, you had sex with me, and I'm going back. And with it you do not spend money, you just sit there and expect for my visit. This is a very interesting position, but I do not accept it.I ask you only have to answer me these questions. And then we're going to know what to expect next. Our meeting - everything we dreamed. Are you ready to be with me? You're going to help me with the money, because I can not afford topay for everything by myself, and only 10 (percent) of the whole amount?Also I need the name of the airport, where you will meet me! This is very important. (But I think that if you did not write me, I can also think that you take a step back.) Now I am ready to give my part of money to travel agency for they begin with documents . In this way we save time.Do you want to celebrate this Christmas in a new way, with me?I will wait for a response from you.I love you, your Asiya
  • Now, as far as spam goes, this one is actually not too bad, right? However, I had to wonder- what real Azeri girl would throw herself like this at a total stranger. How did she find this poor guy, I wanted to know. I appreciate that morals are changing, and perhaps, Azeri girls are becoming more... hmm.. what's the polite word for this?...brave? Yet, it is- technically speaking- still a Muslim country. Maybe, I thought to myself, this is how desperate some girls get? Maybe things are this tough back in some Azeri small towns and villages. (Asiya here claims to be from Dashkesan) 
    Then, Jay sent me this. 
    Hello again. How are you today?
    Now I come again to our internet cafe, it is not far from my home. So after my work, I come here. I'm glad to see your new letter, thanks for that. I really hoped to see your answer, and now I'm really happy because I can see that. I realize now that you and I, we can start to get to know each other better. I understand that I make the right choice when I went to a wedding agency, and they gave me there's your email address. I do not really understand how it works, wedding agency. Wedding agency manager told me that they have agreements with many dating sites, and those sites provide this agency with e-mail addresses of visitors and single men. In any case, I'm glad that now I can communicate with you. I ask you to write me often, and I will do as well. I'll be glad to know about you and your life, and talk about my life. I want our relationship is in constant development. Friendship must also evolve. Now I think we have to take the first step, I have an interest in you, and you have an interest in me. I'm sure at least - we can become good friends. My hobby. I go to the gym, do jogging. Do you like sports? I love photography, and I will send you my pictures often. But, I would never send naked pictures! If you're asking for it, I will stop writing to you all. I can speak English. But to write to you, I'll use a program interpreter. I would like to know, what are your favorite activities, hobbies? Tell me more about your work, do you like it? I love my job. I work as a salesman underwear for women. I find my work interesting, as always communicate with people. Also, I should always have a good appearance. I always try to dress in quality items that customers can see it. My height is 172 centimeters and weighs 58 kilograms. I am 31 years now and my birthday is February 1, and I still live alone in the city! My country called Azerbaijan. This is a Muslim country, with the religion of Islam. I hope you are not afraid of it? And my religion is not a barrier to the development of our relationship?
    I am comfortable with the other religions, and I do not think that religion can be an obstacle for the development of a serious relationship. Because I do not put religion in first place in my life. For me, my target in life now is to find my only man. That's why I went to the wedding agency.
    My town is called Dashkesan. It is not very far from the capital, Baku. My city is small, quiet and calm. I do not like the big, bustling city. In our country, all of the girls are married off to a man at a very young age, and my father always chooses a husband for his daughter. Since Islam is the main religion. Girls and women in our country have very few rights. I'm different . I want a man to love him. And so I would not want to stay longer in Azerbaijan in the future. So I have a conflict with my parents. I'll tell you more about that in my next letters! I want you to write me big letters and send your pictures, please do not forget.
    While I want to use only the Internet mail. I think that this is the best option for correspondence with you. So I can write anything I think. Please, let's use e-mail for our communication? I do not know how to use other programs to communicate, and I just do not have time for this. I can not use Skype or MSN, since it is very time-consuming, and the Internet cafe manager told me that their internet speed is not the fastest for that. So I prefer to use only e-mail communication.
    I hope not too tired you my letter and questions? I hope you can find time to write to me again soon. I want to receive from you a long letter. If I see that you answer my questions, I understand that your intentions are serious. Please write to me as often as you can. Write about anything that you're interested. Ask me any questions. I try to answer you directly.
    Looking forward to an early reply, now goodbye.
    Asiya
     Now, I have highlighted the funniest parts for those of you who might still think this girl is genuine. Like jogging. Anyone who ever visited a small town in Azerbaijan would know that no sensible single girl would brave a jogging experience there. But the best part of course, is the photo. I deliberately shared the emails with you first. So, now that you have the image of this strong, confident, AZERI girl from a town near Baku in your mind, please enjoy her photo.
    Wow, I thought to myself. Whoever you are, whatever country you are writing from, you almost had me. ALMOST, my dear. 
    I am so sorry, I wrote to Jay. She is not a spam. She is a professional con artist.
    It is easy to us, people who know what Azerbaijan is like, what women there are like, to laugh at poor blokes who become targets of these people. But really, if Jay, or another poor bloke similar to him, who has little or no knowledge of countries like Azerbaijan...receives such detailed emails, supported by photos of legs coming straight from that small tight arse...would he not want this to be true? Would he not push any last traces of logic aside in a hope to, at least once in his lifetime, feel these endless legs wrapped around his lonely body this Christmas? How can anyone blame him? 
    Now, I wonder if there is a business opportunity here for me. I can provide services to people like Jay, who need help explaining why this is a con artist. Why no Azeri girl, however emancipated, would sit in this kind of a pose in this kind of outfit in front of a scenery that is clearly not Azeri either. (Saying that, I do know one Azeri girl, married to an expat, with a child..who thinks it is totally normal to post photos of herself on Facebook- wearing nothing but a silk slip.
    "I have things to show!" she answered when I asked why she would do such a thing.)

    But then again, who knows just how powerful these "agencies" are. Our pretty long-legged friend shared the details of the travel agency who are now holding her passport, according to her. For some reason it is a Polish travel agency, claiming to have an office in Baku. Perhaps, the travel agency is just a cover. The girl in the photo, come to think of it, looks more Polish than she does Azeri, to me anyway. But hey.. I have seen some of these Eastern European dudes in movies. I would not want to mess with them!

    So, I guess all I can say to Jay is....good luck. At the very least you get to keep this photo. 

Sunday, 9 December 2012

An unusual shape.


At a birthday party last weekend, a Russian lady I quite liked said to me (reassuringly) that I was not fat, not at all. I was just an unusual shape. Hmm…


Had the most bizarre dream last night. I was writing Christmas cards the evening before, and then walked around the compound shoving them under neighbors’ doors. In the dream, I sort of continued taking cards to people, but this time, I was driving my Doha car on the streets of Baku. I decided to stop by A., my childhood friend I am no longer in touch with, to drop her card off to her. I remember the Blue Mosque she lived near, I parked my car next to the old iron gates and walked in. and there she was, sitting on an old bench in a tiny courtyard with local children. She was so happy to see me. Wait, she said, you have got to see this! And she pulled my hand to her little ground floor shack, where, right in the middle of the living room grew an enormous Christmas tree. ‘I just planted it here’ she said, ‘and the top of it is all the way in the neighbors’ flat upstairs! We drilled a whole around it, and now we both can enjoy the live tree for ages!’

Slightly unrealistic, you say? Yep. Possibly. Every little detail about that dream is unrealistic, not just the tree growing inside a tiny shack A. used to live in. She is in Moscow now, and I am in Doha. Nothing, not even Facebook, can bring us close to each other like we were back then.

I often say Oh the world is so small these days! Who cares where we live? One day you can be here, in Doha, and next day in the UK or Baku. Flights are easily available, social media helps to keep in touch...And yet, how badly do I wish sometimes, that I could, like in the dream, drive my car down from Doha to Baku, or London, or the States..to hand-deliver my Christmas cards to all my old friends.

As a profound atheist (or am I actually more agnostic? Who cares.) I am very fond of Christmas and New Year. But, inevitably, this time of year makes me feel nostalgic. About the past, the people who are no longer here, or the friends who are too far.  About the places I wish I could just walk into, again, after many years, and find exactly the same- just like they were back then, when everything was innocent and stress free, when my friend was not working long hours in the big snowy Moscow; but was sitting on the bench crunching sunflower seeds with neighbors’ children.

Every little detail in that dream was unrealistic. And yet, every little detail was so vivid, so correct. My brain, incapable of remembering to get the cornflakes for the last three shopping trips, has managed to store away and bring back up some lovely memories. Maybe this is what it is like, to be getting old. That, and being of an unusual shape, of course.