Monday, 28 January 2019

Previously on Housewives….

So I talked before about this old friend of mine who was choosing between two boyfriends. I was somewhat judgmental if you remember. I was saying to her that she probably didn’t feel anything properly about either of them; so she should not waste time. And I found her practical approach to choosing one of those guys too calculating. If you are not sure, neither is right for you.
And guess what. Recently, she had a completely different experience. She met another guy (those internet sites provide you with a lot of choice) and wrote to me that this time, it was real. The spark was definitely there. The dates went amazingly well from the first time. They had a lot in common, the conversations were fun, the kissing was just great and she was looking forward to more. You were right, she said. I really like this one.
Suddenly, the guy changed his mind. She was absolutely heartbroken. Look, she told me. Weren’t you the telling me off for being too bloody practical in my approach to dating?! So here we go! I fell for this man but he decided I was not right for him. He told her that he couldn’t continue seeing her, because she had a small child. That was not what he was looking for, he said.
Well, she said. Isn’t that ironic. He was not handsome or successful… and was, frankly, a little too old and too short for her. He was not what she was looking for, either. But she just…you know? Liked him.
We had a long discussion then, about men and women and our approach to love and relationships.
Isn’t it funny, I said, that in most of the stories you hear in life it is us, women who are known for doing things like marrying with some sort of financial or other agenda in mind, tricking poor innocent men into falling in love with us so we could, somehow, deviously, trap them and make a better living for ourselves? Of course, there are a lot of women who still do that, no doubt.
However, what I am thinking, looking at modern men is…
Congratulations to us, women! Mabrook. We finally got the equality we forever fought for. Men are just as, if not more, calculating these days when it comes to choosing their partners. Just like some of those stereotypical pretty girls who try to marry someone rich, men are looking for ways to sell themselves for a better, easier life. 
It really seems that most men have an approach to relationship that is first of all, practical. This friend of mine likes to compare the dating style to baking a cake. It is like they go through a list of ingredients, she says.  The cake that isn’t baked according to their strict recipe might taste shit, you know? So, they plan and they analyze and tick the boxes. Legs, boobs, age, profession, religious beliefs. Is her father rich? Does she have children? Will I have to help her raise them? (Run!) Does she own her own business? (How profitable?) Is she liberal or conservative? Did she vote for or against Brexit?
Most importantly…How much will it all cost me?
I was thinking about this and thought to myself that actually, I was lucky when I was getting married to Husband. was lucky that I was born in Azerbaijan- who would want to marry someone from there, right? Where the fuck is that place? And my parents were never rich- who would want that? 
I wasn’t particularly beautiful either, to say that he just fell for my stunning looks. So you might ask why. Why did he choose me? And there could only be one answer, right? The most obvious, simple answer, yet it seems that for many people it isn’t that easy. He wanted me. Not the package, not all of the ingredients, but wow, actually me. Isn’t that….shocking? Stupid, you could say. He went out with rich girls before. Imagine how stress-free his life would be now if he had married someone rich? Poor husband.
PS. He went out with a total nymphomaniac too, allegedly - now that’s not quite as practical as a rich father, but at least would have guaranteed a lot of fun, right?
So, I was just thinking that I should be grateful for not being born in a rich or famous, or in any other way suitable family. (One thing I never have been, for sure, is suitable.) 
Basically, when we met, I had absolutely nothing to offer to my future husband. Nothing. But myself.
Remember this guy we were friends at uni?, I asked this friend of mine. Remember when he really liked a girl in our class but would not ever go out with her? He would sigh and watch her walk past in the corridors and never asked her out. And when I asked him why one day, because I knew the girl liked him, too… he said ‘you don’t shit where you live’. He didn’t want to have any romantic relationship in the same class, just in case they then split up and things would get unpleasant. Wise, right? That’s the guy who hires Chinese prostitutes on his business trips these days, when he is bored of his wife he’d found and married according to his practical calculations.
I wrote before, looking back now, about new style ads in Azeri newspapers, which showed Azeri guys also started picking up on the new trend…despite traditional old-fashioned background.
As one of my favorite songs goes…’I never thought about love when I thought about home’. I heard from someone recently that it was a fact that marriage was created for practical and financial security, a long time ago. And it is only in the recent decades, as women became more financially independent, perhaps, our expectations changed and we decided we needed something more than a practical arrangement with someone you share a mortgage and co-exist with. We want romance, we want to be loved. 
But what if we, the tiny percentage of naïve romantics, are wrong? According to this Russian saying… love comes and goes, but our need for food remains forever. So perhaps modern men, with their transactional, businesslike approach to relationships are just clever. And we are stupid. Who knows, right? I am still happy that I had nothing when I was getting married. I wouldn’t want anyone to stay with me for any other reason than wanting to be with me. For some of us it is that simple. And so I just hope, for my single friend, for all women out there who are looking for relationship…I hope you find someone who won’t mentally break you down into ingredients to analyze if you are a profitable investment…but will just fall for you. Just like that. I am sure that still happens. And for all of us who are in a relationship…let’s hope they are with us because they want to, and not because of convenience.

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