Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Three colours- Pink

You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

(Creep by Radiohead- One of the best songs ever)

Pink is a the girlie colour. When my daughter was born, we decided we were not going to dress her up like one of those precious princess types, and we were not going to buy everything pink for her. Our little girl is going to be cool- husband announced proudly. We bought her yellow bedding and her sleep suits were white. However, she is almost 4 soon and of course, pink is her favourite colour. Whether we wanted it to happen or not.

I was asking some girlfriends yesterday: what makes some people so damn popular? We were talking about a friend of ours, and I am concerned they might have misunderstood me. I wasn’t trying to bitch about her, or say that she was not worth liking. I mean, I myself was immediately besotted when we first met, and kept stalking the poor woman until she gave in and started hanging out with me. What I was trying to say is: how come some people are simply liked by everybody who meets them? And everyone wants to be their friend?

Somebody laughed and said it was probably her blond hair. Or the friendliness she exudes. Damn! No hope for me then, from any angle.

What I thought was even more fascinating is that her little daughter is becoming most popular amongst all her mates too. Yes, she has blond hair too.

Not long ago, my girl bit this popular friend of hers (a daughter of my popular friend) at school. I have a very well mannered little girl. She does not normally bite. So, I was concerned. When confronted, my daughter told me that the girl was her best friend but had refused to sit next to her at school.

-My child is fickle! - My popular friend laughed.

Yes- I thought -a bit like you. And not in a bad way. But like a pretty social butterfly. Popular, charming, and without deep emotional attachments to anyone in particular. And sadly, my daughter is obviously so much like me. Getting emotionally attached and therefore, vulnerable. Genes, eh.

Honestly? I am a little bit jealous. It might be childish and silly, but I am.
I have never had this charming aura about me that would make everyone chase me to become my friend, invite me over for lunch all the time, and buy me gifts to get my attention. I had never been that popular amongst women. Men, maybe. But not women.

And yet, women are extremely important to me. OK, I might honestly think that 79.8% of them are boring, stupid cows. But I do want the other 20.2% to like me.

Husband can’t stand it when I sulk about some girlfriend- what she had done or said, and complain that she did not sit next to me at school or hold my hand…. you know, girls at the playground kind of stuff. But I have to complain anyway, what else can I do? I can’t bite them like my daughter did.

And I am not just jealous that some people are always popular and don’t even have to make any effort. What I am actually more jealous of, is the fact that they seem not to care about stuff like that. I bet this friend of mine had never allowed any girlfriend to hurt her.

Friendships change as we grow older. I look back at my very first best friends, and think how similar my feelings towards them were to being in love. The only difference was that I did not want to have sex with them. Other than that, pretty much the same: The jealousy, the attraction, the emotional roller coaster…
I used to fall in love with my best friends.

But as they either moved away, forgot or hurt me (oh, so much!) more than any boyfriend ever managed to…I guess, I have changed. These days, I don’t have one best friend. I have a few very good girlfriends, some all right ones…a few social acquaintances, and a few people I just like to occasionally spend some time with.
And the rest 79.8% who I bet would love to be my friends.


  1. You raise interesting questions I have been trying to answer for so long, too.
    And I guess you give us the answer: "What I am actually more jealous of, is the fact that they seem not to care about stuff like that". Maybe some people are popular because they just don't care whether they are or not.

  2. Love your blog! I stumbled upon it a few days ago and have been reading almost all your posts. I can so relate! I know exactly what you mean about being 'in love' with those friends. Would love to ask you a few questions about Azerbaijan. Thanks for all of the cultural insights! Great job!

  3. Hi!my first thought about new posting was:Hmm,it is...oh.lesbians,but then I was involved in your story of friendship.Yes,you are right,some friendships could hurt more than love and you keeping it in your mind years and years....

  4. Ken,
    Thank you!

    I think in reality, more people worry about silly little things than they appear to be. :) Just nobody admits to it, or blogs about it.

  5. Well, those popular people charm since they cause no offense to anyone, usually because they have no real beliefs or opinions. Your girl, on the other hand, shows fire and passion--I'd take that any day over a pretty veneer, but it's not like we have a choice, huh?

  6. My girl is quite pretty by the way. Not that I am a competitive mother or anything....LOL

  7. Friend of mine once said:"don't try be loved everyone,just be like yourself and it is all, what you need.

  8. An excellent book on this subject: Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

  9. Thank you, anonymous. :) will have to look it up.

  10. It's so true :( You will make me cry here first thing in the morning :( I'm in NY this week and was having a drink with bunch of my colleagues from other cities/countries and we were having the same conversation. We were all girls btw, until men decided to cut in with their comments and ruin the moment for all of us :)