Saturday, 4 July 2009

My life as a Dog ( by Azeri Rottweiler)

I was born on a rainy October morning, in a small flat with 4 humans, 4 brothers and 2 sisters, and my mother. I don’t remember my real mom that well, apart from the fact that she barked an awful lot. I had never met my father, but everyone kept saying I looked just like him, and he was enormous. According to humans, he was the biggest Rottie in Baku. He was originally from Moscow and was a famous breeder in town. ( I am somewhat jealous of his life dedicated to having sex with different bitches. Ahh…. I bet that’s what my life would have been if my human mummy had not married a woofing Englishman! )

I remember the day my new, human mummy showed up. She had a long raincoat on, and as she carried me outside, she hid me inside it to protect from the bitter October wind. I was very little then. These days, she can barely lift my head on her lap.

Not many other Azeri dogs can boast changing their world from Azerbaijan to the UK
Now that I am an old and lazy dude, I lie in my large bed in my English home, and think about my life. I know I am supposed to be guarding the house. But the other day, when the chavvy youth chucked some sand through the window, I was busy having my dinner and did not even hear anything.

Mummy said:- So much for the scary Rottweiler, you lazy svoloch. I know she still loves me.

In Baku, I lived in a large flat on the 5th floor. We had a lot of parks around us. The one I loved the most is no longer a public park as it got given to the Turkish embassy. It is a shame, really because poor humans from the nearby slums use to love the park’s shady trees- their only refuge from the merciless summer sun.

Some nights, I heard street dogs hunted and shot by the special dog destroying squad. Sometimes they shot them right there, on empty night streets, sometimes they caught them alive, and their cries would scare me. I did not personally know any street boys- I was not allowed to socialize with them. But still, the dying cry broke my heart. Those nights, I would come very close to mummy’s bed and she would rest her heavy, sleepy hand on my head to comfort me. I knew I was safe then.

When I was just under a year old, I annoyed a very large Great Dane. The dude was tough. He used to fight for money in illegal dog fights. I was young and naive, so I might have thought it was a good idea to hump his leg. It was a bit like trying to hump Mike Tyson. It did not go down well. Since then, I knew some dogs can kill you.

And then, mummy met her future husband. I liked him straight away, and he adored me. In fact, I always suspected he just really wanted to own an impressive Rottie like me, and marrying my mother seemed like a fair deal.

They moved away and I had a year with my granny. I fought a lot of Azeri dogs in that year. Azeri dogs fight. Not just in illegal clubs. We fight because we like it. It is our way of life. A bit of fight, a bit of humping, food and sniffing around bushes. That’s what a dog’s life should be.

After a year, I was put in a big box and flown to the UK. My new life in England was hard at first. I stayed in a long and narrow room and they never let me out. Mummy and daddy used to visit me once a week, and they looked pretty sad. I wanted them to take me home and could not understand why they did not.
It was pretty awful, except for the fun I had from jumping up the wire mesh door and barking at every visitor walking past my cage. Seeing them wipe my spit off their faces made my day. I am a big dog and I jump pretty high.

One day, after unjustified 6 months of prison, I was allowed to come home.
And there was a forest. I had never seen a forest in my life. It smelled of mushrooms, foxes, dear and autumn leaves.

My new home was good too. There was more to guard. It had more space but a very annoying arrangement where I had to climb up the stairs to go to the bedroom.

And that is my new life. I enjoy it over all. Except for, between you and me, it is a bit like one of those Certificate U movies, you know?- with no sex or violence. And who would want to star in a movie like that?

I am not allowed to fight any dogs here, and apparently, can't really have any casual sex either. I would have to be in the whole serious breeding game in order to get laid. That bit sucks big time.

My daddy has a wicked sense of humor. He decided since I was not going to breed properly, I did not need my balls. Out of all possible days to have me fixed, he chose Valentine’s. I still love him , because he walks me every morning. I miss my nuts though. I don’t remember why.

And mummy…Mummy barely has time for me these days.

When she was pregnant, she sat on the floor with me, hugged me and tickled me behind my floppy ears. She would lean down and whisper that she would always love me, even when the baby comes. And I know she does, really. Even though she gets annoyed with me a lot more these days. She says there is too much mess, and too much hair everywhere. She tells me off a lot more. I know she is just tired, because this annoying child is just too much work.

But you know how I know she still loves me?

The other night, I woke up shaking with fear. I know I am old and ugly enough to know better. But it is my animal instinct. I can’t do anything about it- I am terrified of thunderstorms. And that night, it was pretty scary. The sky cracked open with an awfully loud noise. I stood up and wanted to hide but did not know where. Daddy just wanted to sleep. He told me off, and I got back to my bed. But I was too scared. And then I heard mummy call me. I went around to her side of the bed. I was trembling with fear and she told me I was an old idiot, but she put her hand on my head, just like she always does, and kept it there the whole time, tickling me behind my ear, just like I like it.

And I knew she was there for me, even though it was 4 am and she really wanted to sleep. Because that’s what mummies do when they love you.


  1. this was so wonderful to read! it's as if it was actually written by your rottweiler haha
    did he actually have his business cut off on valentine's day?

  2. Thank you! I knew it was a different posting, because not everyone is a dog person, but yet...I enjoyed writing it. It made me very emotional.
    Yes. The bits indeed, got cut off on valentine's day. It was not planned on purpose, just when the vet booked us in, and only afterwards, we realized the irony of it all.

  3. What can I tell you? You are a lucky dog! My mom not at all as yours! She thinks that to pee on the bathroom carpet is a very bad idea. I have a different opinion. But just imagine what would she say if she would see me playing guitar or typing e-mails!
    Froda (French Bulldog)

  4. I loved this post!!! Great writing and a great story!

  5. Ahhh, loved this post a lot! It really sounded as if your dog wrote the whole thing up:) You are an amazing writer. Can I borrow your skill?:)

  6. A cute story. I'm not a big dog person (used to be but kid of outgrew it I guess) yet it made me laugh and I felt very sympathetic to your old ugly Roy.

  7. u guys are just stupid