The baldy , the fart and the douchebags

Tonight we are watching Lord of the Rings. Again.
Oh, Aragorn..- I groaned passionately.
Ara-porn!- said Husband.




You know you are old when you attend a rock concert and tell the youth to sit down and be quiet.

First of all, I am really surprised that in this H&S obsessed country they could ever get away with seats so high up, on what is practically a vertical slope, without any harnesses. I never feel comfortable somewhere like that, and the O2 centre was simply terrifying.

Sitting all the way up, I kept thinking just how easily someone could stumble and fall down. How far would they fall? I wondered whether the heads of people below would stop them from falling somewhere at Row G, or would the force of the fall send them all the way down, on top of the crazed crowd. And also, would anyone notice? Or would they just pick the body up and send it crowd surfing?

Muse are the best. Visually stunning and impressively loud.

We were looking forward to this concert for ages. Not only because we both love Muse. There is more to that. For someone like us, cool people trapped in the UK suburb, it is an important statement. A solid proof to each other that we still have it. And to me, an Azeri who lived most of her life attending government concerts in the Palace of Lenin (now, of course, Aliev) this is as cool as it gets.

But…..there is always a but.

I guess it was naïve of me to expect everyone who loves Muse to be cool. I looked around, feeling the energy coming from the crowd. We were all part of one big club, a gang of Muse fans. We all have a great taste in music, and therefore, have a lot in common, right? Don’t be ridiculous.

First of all, I appreciate that it must be very tempting to fart somewhere like the O2 arena.
The music is loud so nobody will hear anything. And as for the smell, well there are so many people around, surely nobody will know who it really was. But come on, people! That is just bad manners! How can you, a Muse fan, be such a disgusting pig?

Secondly, to the guy in the front, who just had to be that tall, of course, and be positioned right in my line of sight. I understand it must have been crucial to demonstrate to your girlfriend just how cool and rock and roll you were, by standing up throughout the show and jerking in all possible directions. It is just that the sight of your shiny bold head bouncing up and down was not something I paid over £40 to see. If not for you and your bold head, I would have enjoyed the show from my seat, without having to stand up. Even having stood up, I struggled to see the stage properly, because I am, alas, a short arse.

But the worst were the two douchebags behind us. I am using the word douchebag because:

a) I have only recently discovered it and think it is great.
b) It is an American word and not really used in the UK, so it does not sound as offensive to my British ear.
c) I really want to use another, very British, word here, but…It would not be appropriate. Even though I think that it is more appropriate. If you know what I mean.

The two douchebags were having verbal diarrhea. Not only they went on and on throughout the whole concert, they also talked stupid, irritating crap. If the song was slow and beautiful, they talked loudly over it. If it was something like Time is Running out, they screamed the words along- so loudly that I could not, however hard I tried, hear the voice of the actual singer. I even tried to lean forward, as far as the narrow row and vertical seat arrangement allowed, to get my ears as far away from the singing douchebags as possible.

Husband got annoyed. And trust me, a sight of the annoyed husband is not pretty. He turned to the douchebags and asked them- very politely! - to “please do us a favour and give us a break in the running commentary”.

As for me, I just thought: You know what? Perhaps, we just have to admit it: we are too old for rock concerts. Perhaps we could from now on focus on small venues, instead of huge arenas, where douchbags can get away with spoiling the atmosphere with their shouting, farting and other antisocial behaviour.

But….there is always a but. Muse are the greatest. The best. If you have not heard them yet, be grateful to me for introducing them into your life. Go quick and get yourself their albums. All of them.