Deuce Bigalow: an Azeri Gigolo

“An attractive and tall young man of European appearance, 25 yrs old is looking for a lady 35-55 with accommodation for serious relationship…”

“A 27 yr old man, brown eyes and light brown hair, attractive and well-natured, is looking for a Jewish lady, age not relevant, for serious relationship and marriage...”

These are just a couple of local newspaper ads that my mother read to me as we chatted on Skype yesterday.

There is so much said about women in Azerbaijan these days. By women themselves. Because we, women, like to complain a lot.

But what about poor Azeri men?

Just like in any other traditional and- don’t forget! - Muslim society, there is a lot of pressure on Azeri males. In old Soviet days, things were easier. Men had jobs they got via relatives and connections. They made money via salaries and bribes. They married good Azeri girls their mothers approved of, and kept mistresses on the side, often of other nationalities. They sat around eating plov, getting fat and enjoying life. But nowadays, things are changing. Women in Azerbaijan are rapidly becoming more independent. It is arguably easier for a pretty young girl who can speak some English to get a reasonably well-paid job in an office than it would be for a nice boy with the same set of skills. Azeri women started getting jobs in foreign companies, dating foreigners and immigrating abroad. So it is not surprising, that some young Azeri males sat around, smoking their cigarettes and sipping chay when it occurred to them that maybe, they ought to do something about that unfair situation. Maybe they don’t have to just marry some girls their parents find for them, and then take care of them all their lives. Perhaps, they themselves deserve to be taken care of.

And some smart Azeri guys started to look around. And I bet they were pleasantly surprised. As long as they were prepared to overcome their inherent fear and commit, the opportunities were unlimited, depending on what their goals might be. It could be somewhere to live- just like one of the above ads clearly states, or it could be a woman with a foreign passport who could take him abroad. Gone are the old times, when wives were just good enough for making plov and babies. In this increasingly westernised society that Azerbaijan is becoming, women have more potential as wives and partners than they have ever had.

And so here comes a predictable shift in Azeri male mentality, something I get a whiff of across the borders, all the way from the UK. The new generation Azeri guys are not simply looking for good Azeri girls any more. Frankly, can't afford to. They are looking for independent, successful women- local or foreign. Women with a ticket for a better life. Women who can do one of the following, if not all of it:

a) provide him with a nice flat to live in;
b) help him immigrate;
c) work hard at her job (and at home) while he can just marry her, knock her up and then kick back and relax.

In fact, I can sense a good business opportunity here: Azeri male services for lonely women abroad. Don’t laugh! Azeri men have a lot to offer. They are incredibly horny and enthusiastic. They don’t normally drink too much. They are dark and dangerous looking, but really are quite tame. They love white girls, blonds in particular, and normally don’t mind if you are a bit overweight. They usually want and love children.

So here is my brilliant idea: azerihusbandshop.com.

Single for too long? Tired of wasting your time on western men who are too demanding and scared of commitment? Clock is ticking and ovaries are screaming for a baby? Look no further! Come to azerihusbandshop.com and we will set you up with a young, fit, and full of enthusiasm Azeri male. No hidden costs, except for one- an illusion of true love. But that is not such a high price to pay, is it?