Wednesday, 27 January 2010

The lesbian made me.

We have a lesbian at work. A real one, not like this male girl on girl fantasy kind. A proper gay lady who has been with her partner for many years. In fact, so many that they sound like any old married couple. So no, definitely not the fantasy kind.

As an Azeri woman who had never met any lesbians before, I was not entirely sure at first. I mean, can I even say lesbian? Or am I supposed to say gay? What is the appropriate etiquette around her? Do I pretend I don’t know, and avoid the subject altogether? Or do I act like I am used to gay women and see nothing unusual in it? Because of course, it is quite unusual for me.

However hard it might be to be a gay man back in Azerbaijan, to be a gay woman must be ten times worse. No wonder I had never met any. I suspect all lesbians in Baku just waste their lives trying hard to hide their natural instincts and pretend to be someone they are not.

So, I had no idea what it must be like- to be friends with a gay woman. Sometimes, girls do things in front of each other that we would not do in front of men.
For example, say you are wearing hold-ups and one of them is sliding down your leg. You would pop in the bathroom and lift your skirt up to adjust it. But what if your lesbian colleague is there? Should you assume she is also a girl and would not care? Or would it be a bit of a treat for her, just like it would for a man?

But, despite my clumsy uncertainty at first, the lesbian and I ended up becoming good friends.

I discovered she was pretty cool and very, very funny. Not only that, and the fact that we both hate the same people and therefore, can bitch about them for hours; but we also discovered we both love listening to music at work. Which creates a bit of a problem for our male secretary, who, on a number of occasions, hinted that our humming in unison is incredibly annoying.

But we, of course, think that we sound great. In fact, we said, we are so good we might form a band and try ourselves on the X Factor.

All we needed now was a catchy name.

And then, the other day, she told me about this friend of hers. Whenever they went out, she said, and stayed too late and got too drunk, he would get home and tell his wife that “the lesbians made him”.

And suddenly, I knew what the right way to handle it was. I was impressed and relieved. Impressed that she was so comfortable about it all that she could make a joke like that. Relieved that she knew I would get it.

'This is it!, - I said to her,- this is what our band will be called!'

The lesbian made me

We could be like the next Jedward. A scary Azeri mama and a lesbian.

Giving it some further thought, we decided we might allow the nervously giggling secretary to join us. He could play guitar at the back. That way, he could not complain about us humming at our desks all day long.

See, it all worked out in the end.


  1. Dear Scary Azeri, your best post ever!!! I absolutely LOVE it! Hahahaha! I'll share it!

  2. Hahaha:) Your band idea is excellent and the name is catchy. Go for it.

  3. Lesbian is just like any other person - cool or boring, nice or bitchi etc. :)))
    On the other hand - she is kind of double sided. She has everything that typical woman does and she might like you like a man.

  4. I remember someone telling me years ago that because 'love life' is so restricted in Az., that girls regularly get it on with their female friends, in the absence of male activity. Added to that, the number of older women who have not been married for various reasons are thought to be 'on the shelf' but maybe this is a cover in some cases for lesbian issues and a whole world goes on that we don't know about. Certainly, male homosexuality has come out of the closet to a great extent over here these days.

  5. Looking forward to seeing you in the auditions!xx Brilliant!

  6. @ Rosalina: Glad I made you laugh again. :)

    @ Ptichkin: "Lesbian is just like any other person "....:))) Honestly? I thought they had horns and green toe nails....

    @ Anonymous: This is interesting. I was wondering about it, to be honest: how do they cope? How do they find partners in such traditional society? It cant be easy. I am sure even here it can not always be easy.

    And oh, yes- male homosexuality in Baku is just flourishing. I went to a gay party years ago and was just amazed it was possible somewhere like that.

  7. LOL,I still smiling.Scary,you have a great sense of humour!

  8. Definitely, a delicious post.
    Some time back I saw a gay couple hand in hanmd walking in the streets. I mean, Lima is not that modern, so it's not an image I'm used to. And the I realized that it requires lots amount of courage to "get out of the closet".

  9. Hmm... Horns you saying? Yes, sometimes lesbians do have horns. Just like a straights .

  10. I can't believe how tolerant I have become to people of all orientations since I have moved to the US. I do know a few people who are not straight so to speak, and they are wonderful people. Love your humor, Scary! You rock!!!!

  11. Love it. Oh and hey, if you ever decide to plan a visit to Armenia, let me know... I could introduce you to a whole lotta lesbians in Yerevan :-)

  12. Adrineh:

    Thank you, I shall keep that in mind. :)))

  13. Have no problem with anyone gay or straight. At the end of the day it is everyone's own buziness what they are up to in the bedroom, right.

    But there was this lesbian couple who rented out my friend's house in Ricmond, they were acting as if they were somehow special, and should be treated as such, nose in the air, no hello, no good bye...

    Also these gay bars, gay rights, gay parade... What makes gays any special than the rest of the humanity? It is a discrimination in itself, I think. Just hate all this ubersensitiveness.

  14. Azerbaijan needs time before understanding that lesbians/gays are also people requiring some respect.

  15. I am from Azerbaijan and it is a very very difficult to live being gay in that country. Feels like you are imprisoned, and ashamed. But even Korea does not seem promising to me though:((