Monday, 10 May 2010

One very smelly evening

I am so not having a good time right now.

Not only I have to go through this school palaver; I also started getting vertigo attacks again. It happened before, and the GP thinks it might be my vestibular apparatus. Or, speaking in simple terms, my inner ear is not behaving itself.

She also thought it was a good idea for me to try Epley's manoeuvre at home. Which involves me leaning past horizontal position with my head to one side. I am not trying to be technical or anything, but that would simply not work. The only two places I can think of in my house where I could attempt that manoeuvre would be my bed or the dining table. In both cases I would probably break my neck.

In the meantime, my inner ear makes its mind up every morning- whether I am going to have a normal day, or not be able to move at all.

So, I was really looking forward to my mother’s arrival. Someone to whinge to.

I scheduled it just right, so that it would start when husband went away for a few days.

Last night was the first night my mother was here, and we both looked forward to a relaxing dinner with a glass of vino and a good chat.

It all started going wrong with Tesco chicken wings. The sell by date was only a day ago; and mother, who dismisses British use by dates as over-cautious, claimed they smelled just fine.

I had just put my child to bed, and, as I walked down the stairs, the stench hit me like a wave. It quickly filled the house and was travelling rapidly up the stairs. It smelled like we tried to roast something decomposing.

I quickly switched off the oven and threw the wings out. It is OK, I thought. We could order some Chinese delivery. We could still have our relaxing dinner.

I was hoping that the smell of the takeaway would disguise the stench of the chicken wings.

We were pretending to enjoy the meal and ignore the lingering smell, when I heard a nasty crash upstairs followed by my daughter’s hysterical cry. She tried to switch off the light in her room and fell of her little chair. My child, when very upset,can scream herself into getting sick. So she puked.

She puked all over her bedroom floor, on the way to the bathroom and into the bath tub. It took me half an hour to calm her down and clean up the puke. By then, my dinner got cold.

Just when we thought the smells in the house could not get any worse, the dog decided it was time for him to join us in the room. His bottom let out the most revolting smell you can ever imagine. My mother, you see, believes in over-feeding everyone in our family, including her favourite pet. She also thinks that by having castrated the poor animal a few years ago, we removed all the basic pleasures from his short live. He cannot have sex and he cannot fight- what is the point of living? So she gives him leftovers, whenever the coast is clear. Which results in the most horrendous lingering, liquid farts you can possibly imagine.

So there we go. As I said...NOT having a good time.


  1. funny :) is the only comment that comes to my mind...sorry if thats not what you were expecting to hear..Akbar

  2. I can smell your miseries all across the ocean!

    I am shocked that Tesco chicken one single day past the use-by date is already putrifying. Shouldn't there be some margin there?

    Try spraying some Lysol around the house and wear a mask. Might help for the ashes down your way too.

  3. @Akbar: Actually, I thought it was comical so yes, I was hoping you guys would think it was funny. I did not even have to make any of it up!

    @ Ms Footloose: Not sure I know what Lysol is, but will look it up. :) I am addicted to an M&S candle right now, it is a green fig one, and smells very nice and most importantly, it is very strong. :) so it kinda works.

  4. Nice post! A perfect ending would be your husband returning home from a fishing trip with a big bucket of fish, which he immediately starts cooking...

  5. Parenting can be quite gross sometimes. Hope you feel better soon.

  6. I'm sorry for the bad moments you went through but... your story made me laugh!

  7. I remember a day similar to yours. At the age of 25 and after having produced my third child in 3 years, I was home alone with a 6-week old, a 14-month old, and a 3-year old.

    Within 2 or 3 minutes: infant's diaper began leaking all over me; toddler's diaper leaked solid waste down his leg, which he thought was hilarious and entertaining as he danced around the kitchen and decorated the floor; and 3-year old was perched on the toilet seat, bellowing that she needed me to wipe her bottom. As I tried to decide who to attend to first, Mr. Dog decided to leave a pile on the rug by the kitchen door. Of course, my ex chose that moment to come home and, you guessed it, open the door and mow down the big, stinky pile on the rug.

    In retrospect, it was funny as hell. At the moment, it did me in. How did I react? Unfortunately, not with laughter. (That came a few hours later.) I sat on the kitchen floor and cried.

    Happy to report the kids are now 32, 30, and 29 and doing all their pooping in private.