Tuesday, 13 July 2010

The giant fox



Guys, I have to confess. I am no longer a (camping) virgin. It has finally happened. But, as any old virgin would, I decided to ease myself into it gently. The camping I finally agreed to try out was not really a proper camping. It was a night in a tent on the school grounds, surrounded by other people I know, and with school toilets nearby. If things got really painful and ugly, I could always jump in my car and be at home in less than five minutes.
And you know what, overall, it went really well. We were incredibly lucky with one of the hottest days of the year; and being able to sit outside till late, drinking and eating grilled sausages and burgers was just perfect.
However- don’t I always have a however?-I, of course, had some concerns and fears.
Fear No 1: My child getting kidnapped.
Let’s look at the way normal mothers would view our day of camping. They are in a very safe area, on the local school grounds, surrounded by neighbours.There is fencing all around the school field. Does it get any safer than that?
Well, I don’t agree. You see, we camped in the middle of a large school field. There is a patch of forest at the back of it, with a narrow path created by the school people. The patch is not deep; and behind it, there are a couple of new houses being built. At some point I  found my daughter and her friend hanging out in the forest. And I did not like it.
If I were a paedophile, you see, this would be my dream set up. The construction site at the back- not guarded, too easy to get in. No people next door as it is also a construction site for another new home. A fence is easy. And children, often alone, in the forest patch. And the worst part, of course, is that, in the overall excitement and the big field full of tents and people, it would take a very, very long time for anyone to realize one of them is missing. Enough time to get faaaaar away. So yes, call me a paranoid sick freak, but I was not happy with my child going in the forest bit,where I could not see her. I don’t care if there was only one chance in a million. It is still an effing chance.
Fear No 2: The Giant Fox.
By the end of the night, having had a few glasses of wine, I was sitting on a low wall, half-listening to the conversation, when I saw a spooky shadow. It was reflected on the side of the pool, creeping along and growing bigger and bigger. It was large, and it was moving very slowly. I stared until the animal appeared  in the spotlight, and it became apparent it was only a fox. Still, I was not too keen on foxes snooping around our campsite in the middle of the night. I quickly analyzed the chances of it breaking through the zipped tent and decided it was pretty impossible. However, at 3 am I was woken up by a loud animal noise outside. ‘It is the fox!’ My drunken brain screamed in panic, ‘Trying to break through!’ Of course, it was not the fox but a snoring neighbour in the tent right next to ours. I lay awake for a while after that, trying to not think about the fox. The snoring continued.
Fear No 3: The creepy-crawlies.
I tried to keep the tent zipped up at all times. And yet, every time I woke up in the night- and that was often, thanks to all the noises outside- I kept wondering what creepy-crawlies might have sneaked into it during the day. And I kept itching all over.
So, what can I tell you? My overall verdict is that camping is pretty pleasant.  I just don't think that Azeri women are designed for it. If you want to impress an Azeri woman, don't bother taking her camping. Hotels are much, much better. Nice ones, of course.

15 comments:

  1. The only time I went on a camping was at the beach. A whole weekend. I was 13 years old. I was careless about the sun. Back home, I had a three day fever and awful burnings in my back. That was the worst of all the inconveniences.
    Just as my latest post, I thought to myself: first and last time!
    ¡Saludos!

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  2. @Gabriela: I know, I know...I remember gettig sun burns all the time as a child! I bet skin cancer cant wait to get me. We also used some oil to get more tanned! To attract, rather than repel the sun.

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  3. I am with you on Fear No1. It is not about the risk, but the size of the loss - the former may be tiny, but the latter would be unbearable.

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  4. @Ana: Thank you for commenting, for some reason this posting left people quiet! And I hate it when it gets quiet here. :)))

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  5. I’m with you in that dear Azeri woman :-) never understood excitement around camping deal, it’s always smth very tiny thought or creature may poison the big and sincere try to enjoy the wild nature :-)
    AzOzzi

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  6. Scary, now I know why I get horrified when I hear of people going camping. Here,in Australia, with DEADLY creepy-crawlies around!!! And kangaroos that can charge you! And DEADLY snakes! I am a regular Azeri woman:) How can they sleep?!

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  7. @Anonymous: There is something about it though. I just have not figured out what. :)

    @sofisticos: Wow, now THAT is some extreme camping! I would maybe go for that. :) Might go for a midnight stroll as well while I am at it.

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  8. Lesson learnt from the post and the comments: Azeris are a bunch of spoilt, lazy, scaredy cats who love comfort too much and their idea of exercise and healthy livig is smoking 2 packs a day, sitting around and being indoors. Right?

    I thank you a million times Scary for being so honest and objective about your people since it's the truth

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  9. For sophisticos: I'm sure it is the right sort of camping for Scary. After reading some of her posts one can easily see that all these venomous creatures are just right company for her.

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  10. @Anonymous: Ouch! :) I am sure you meant to insult me by comparing me to a venomous snake, but I actually see it as a compliment. I would much rather be compared to a snake than a sheep. Thank you, honey. If you prefer kind, loving people who never use satire, why dont you read other blogs. there are so many these days...pink with flowers, babies and bunnies.:)

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  11. @sofisticos: Ohh you forgot to mention sharks, jelly-fish, crocodiles in the ocean and fat flying cockroaches and poison spiders on the ground..Although it makes Australia one of the most beautiful and unique countries in the world!:-))


    @Anonymous: I guess we are dealing with a “great psychic” or “sort-of” here… although your magic conclusion was an opposite to “sort-of me” at least , non-smoker, ALMOST non-drinker, outdoor-enjoyer,:-))) here is a simple explanation, the clear irony of the story is based on complete unawareness of azeri people that there are still on the globe may exist a place where human and dangerous creatures are part of the one team..we just need some time to accept that and who knows may join the team one day…:-)) everything takes time tovarish (comrade), so take is easy mate..:-))

    AzOzzi

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  12. Dear Scary, I really did not mean any insulting. I just say sincerely what I think. Do not you do the same in your posts?

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  13. @Anonymous: Sure. As I said, I dont see that as a huge insult. In fact, it reminded me of a song I used to really like when I was (hmmm) younger. It was by Boris Grebenshikov, a Russian rock singer. He said, (which I thought was so clever!) "Every woman should have a little bit of a snake in her. " ( V kajdoy jenshine doljna bit zmeya. )

    You have demonstrated it just as well as I do! :)))

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  14. Dear Scary, I should have said much before. You really are very talented. I have learned so much from you (I am aware that in the context of my last remarks it sounds equivocal).
    Your venomous anonymous fan.

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  15. @Anonymous: Cool.:) I hope my latest posting does not disappoint. Coincidentally, it is as venomous as ever! if not more.

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