Friday, 16 July 2010

Honey, you remind me of someone famous.....

Lyubov zla, polubish i kozla. A Russian saying. Means "Love is cruel, you might fall for a goat"

I happen to know this man. I am not going to tell you how or where I know him from, because that would not be fair. What if I become famous one day (I know, I am laughing too), and he happens to read this, and thinks ‘OMG! That is my wife she is talking about!!!!’

That would not be very nice, would it. It would just hurt his feelings.

Because what I want to tell you is that his wife is incredibly, undeniably, inhumanly ugly.

Whenever I comment on how ugly someone is, Husband frowns and says that she might be a very nice person. ‘Or very good in bed’, he normally adds.

But this woman is not just average looking. A lot of us are. She is not just ugly either. There is something about her that is so wonderfully weird, I struggle to describe the whole palette of colours I could paint her in.

To start with, I don’t even think she is a woman. I thought long and hard about how I would describe her to you, since I can’t, for obvious reasons, publish her photo. Eventually, after careful consideration, I came to the conclusion that she looks like something in between Danny DeVito and the Incredible Hulk.

I am curious about one thing. I know not everyone is shallow, not everyone cares about appearances,blah-blah. I have some girlfriends who married men I would rather die than sleep with. They must love them, or love their money. Whatever their attachment to their husbands, they must tolerate them enough to sleep with them and look at them every morning without feeling sick. So, I appreciate it is possible. Ugly people can be loved,too. What a wonderful world we live in!

But her....I just want to know: how is that possible?

How did this poor man manage to fall in love with her and have children with her, and just not see that she looks like Danny DeVito?

This is what I am asking. I was telling my friend (who also knows the man) that I was going to blog about it. ‘Don’t’, she sad. ‘What if he reads it?’

I thought about it. And then I realized that it was OK.

Because, if he fell in love with her and had her children, there is absolutely no way he would ever recognize that this posting was about her. Because, if he loves his wife, he must think she is pretty. To him, she must be. He does not look at her and think ‘Oh, my darling little DeVito! You are sooo cute, you remind me of the Incredible Hulk,only very short and with saggy breasts!'

Love is blind, right?

But even if he does realize, what can he say? Would he really come to me and say  'You evil bitch, I know you meant my darling wife. How dare you say she looks like Danny DeVito?!'
Because, I would look at him and smile. And I would ask him 'Why? Do YOU think she does?'

So I am pretty sure I will get away with this.


  1. Perhaps the guy is legally blind and doesn't care about looks?

  2. :) No, he is not. But I thought blind people have some way of telling how you look by touching your face?

  3. Love may be blind... but according to your post, this man isn't. So there has to be something about her. The problem is we will never find out.
    ¡Saludos y buen fin de semana!

  4. LOL! Wonderful post, as usual....just the very boost of energy that i needed to finish some overnight work!...

    By the way, the Danny Green Ogre(ss) reminds me of Fiona

    ..(or maybe the Shrek himself!), which sort of proves the case that everyone deserves happiness....and if it weren't so, I'm not sure life would have been as wonderful as it is!


  5. You know, dear, I wonder if this sometimes unintentional, direct, and often automatic, judgement that we, Azeries, and humans in general, pass unto others, is in any way related to what we think of ourselves...

    Please hold on a minute before making a judgement on behalf of the statement! A great author (and a Philosopher whom I love very much), Hermann Hesse, once wrote that humans, in general, hate that in other people, which they find in themselves. What isn't part of their nature doesn't usually disturb them.

    So, I wonder if this omnipresent judgement that we, Azeries, in particular, have for others, is a cultural phenomenon that's based on a great number of fears, guilts and other problems with our own selves and later projected unto others. From my own experience of having lived in Baku for good 16 years, I realized that this inner imbalance has been cultivated, nourished (and sugar coated/heavily powdered) from my very first days by the culture, mentality and "morale" (or lack of thereof)...

    But whatever it is, thank you for raising the issue, even if not directly. And it would be wonderful to have you reflect on it.

    Lots of love and light! and hugs from the Big city!


  6. @ AzeriBuddhist: Hesse was a neat author, but the problem with "we" statements about human beings is that people are so different that it is almost impossible to find common ground that we don't also share with, say, squirrels.

    Yes, some people may be conflicted and hate the things in themselves that they see in other people, but I'm painfully aware of my aversion to things that are *unlike* what I see in myself. In fact, my conception of heaven is to be surrounded by people who are more like me than even I am like myself. (No wait, they're also all libidinous, hyperfertile females between the ages of 20 and 40.)

  7. @ AzeriBuddhist: I would "reflect", my friend. If I had any clue what you were on about. :))) It got a bit too philosophical for me, a basic creature that I am!

    All I got from it is that you might be suggesting I was as ugly as a troll; and that is why I critisize ugly women...hmm....:))

  8. We are so quick at judging others.
    She is maybe ugly as hell, but if he loves her, why does it matter? Why should it matter to others?
    Even if she looks like Danny DeVito, does that mean she is incapable of love? Or she doesn't deserve to be loved? That's BS. We shouldn't be questioning his feelings towards her, we should be happy for them!
    We should be grateful that there are people out there in the world who don't only care for looks or money.

  9. @Anonymous: I am very, very happy for them.:) I just like to mess about. You should try it, too. :)

  10. Great, funny posting, Scary. I really hope the guy doesn't read it, though. Maybe he's been thinking for years 'Shit, I how could I have married such a grotesque parody of a woman. I hope no-one notices'.