Friday, 13 August 2010
Ladies and gentlemen,
Please! Let me introduce you to THE ugliest car in the world.
We spent quite a few hours on the motorway(s) today, on the way to North Wales. Usually, we entertain ourselves by playing the Eddie Storbart game.Every Eddie Stobbart truck we notice along the way gets one point. Nobert Dentressangle, however, gets two points. Because they are not as common, and the name is just so peculiar. Sad, I know. But you try getting up at 4:30 am (the roads are empty then) and sitting in the car for five hours.
But this time, I got distracted. I was counting Fiat Multipla cars along the way, trying to get a glimpse of their drivers. Because, I was just curious, what sort of people could ever think it was OK to own something so offensive?
I have this strong dislike of ugliness, you see. This car is a crime against so many wonderful things in life. Things like design, beauty and coolness. Things like good taste. Moreover, it is a crime against the poor car itself. Because, internally, it is supposed to be fantastic. The concept was great. And then someone came up with this bizarre carcass.
I can definitely claim that this is the most repulsive looking vehicle I have come across in my life. It is as if somebody found two ugly cars, took them apart and threw them back together, accidentally mixing the top from one with the bottom of another. And then thought ‘Ha! Actually, this is so ugly, it is kinda cool!’ Well, no. It really isn’t.
Let me explain why it offends me so much. You see, somewhere, there was a person who got paid, perhaps even got promoted, for coming up with this 'design'. There must have been more people, like the board of Fiat directors or top designers or whatever those guys are officially called...who liked it enough to approve it for production. Just think many people were involved in creating this thing! And even more disturbingly, how many people think it is nice enough to spend their hard-earned money to buy and proudly drive one.
I thought this morning, sipping my Starbucks latte and counting the ugliest cars in the world; that people probably don’t really like them. They settle for them. You know, like some girls with very boring husbands. Perhaps they had some really cool, exciting lovers in their past. And then they woke up one day and thought ‘Holy shit, I am getting old! Quick, marry someone! Have babies! ‘
And they settled for someone really average. Because he is comfortable and convenient, and has a lot of room. Maybe does a lot of miles per gallon. Who cares he is boring and unattractive to look at?
This car represents everything I find sad about the middle age life of the average UK person. Settling down. Wearing boring combat pants. Letting their arses grow the size of Azerbaijan and not shaving legs. Not caring what ugly car they drive, as long as it is value for money and is comfortable under that huge arse. See what I mean? Criminal.
‘Oh!’ my mother in law said tonight, ‘ I love those. If someone gave it to me tomorrow, I would be very happy.’
Of course she would be. She is 70.