Friday, 13 August 2010

The ugliest car in the world


Ladies and gentlemen,

Please! Let me introduce you to THE ugliest car in the world.

We spent quite a few hours on the motorway(s) today, on the way to North Wales. Usually, we entertain ourselves by playing the Eddie Storbart game.Every Eddie Stobbart truck we notice along the way gets one point. Nobert Dentressangle, however, gets two points. Because they are not as common, and the name is just so peculiar. Sad, I know. But you try getting up at 4:30 am (the roads are empty then) and sitting in the car for five hours.

But this time, I got distracted. I was counting Fiat Multipla cars along the way, trying to get a glimpse of their drivers. Because, I was just curious, what sort of people could ever think it was OK to own something so offensive?

I have this strong dislike of ugliness, you see. This car is a crime against so many wonderful things in life. Things like design, beauty and coolness. Things like good taste. Moreover, it is a crime against the poor car itself. Because, internally, it is supposed to be fantastic. The concept was great. And then someone came up with this bizarre carcass.

I can definitely claim that this is the most repulsive looking vehicle I have come across in my life. It is as if somebody found two ugly cars, took them apart and threw them back together, accidentally mixing the top from one with the bottom of another. And then thought ‘Ha! Actually, this is so ugly, it is kinda cool!’ Well, no. It really isn’t.

Let me explain why it offends me so much. You see, somewhere, there was a person who got paid, perhaps even got promoted, for coming up with this 'design'. There must have been more people, like the board of Fiat directors or top designers or whatever those guys are officially called...who liked it enough to approve it for production. Just think many people were involved in creating this thing! And even more disturbingly, how many people think it is nice enough to spend their hard-earned money to buy and proudly drive one.

I thought this morning, sipping my Starbucks latte and counting the ugliest cars in the world; that people probably don’t really like them. They settle for them. You know, like some girls with very boring husbands. Perhaps they had some really cool, exciting lovers in their past. And then they woke up one day and thought ‘Holy shit, I am getting old! Quick, marry someone! Have babies! ‘

And they settled for someone really average. Because he is comfortable and convenient, and has a lot of room. Maybe does a lot of miles per gallon. Who cares he is boring and unattractive to look at?

This car represents everything I find sad about the middle age life of the average UK person. Settling down. Wearing boring combat pants. Letting their arses grow the size of Azerbaijan and not shaving legs. Not caring what ugly car they drive, as long as it is value for money and is comfortable under that huge arse. See what I mean? Criminal.

‘Oh!’ my mother in law said tonight, ‘ I love those. If someone gave it to me tomorrow, I would be very happy.’

Of course she would be. She is 70.

22 comments:

  1. Google Hyunday Matrix. Somehow, Matrix is even uglier, because it was designed in Pinifarina - famous for some Ferrari models.

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  2. When I saw the title of this post, while the page was loading, I thought of THE ugliest car I can recall. I had this teacher in school. Everybody hated her. She used a hearing device, and I think she was so obnoxious as self-defense mechanism.
    Well, she owned a VW, the clasic one... painted as a beetle. Yes! Red with black dots all over it. Whenever me and my classmates get together, someone has seen the ugly and hated car somewhere in Lima. But always parked, so we just can't say if she sold it. Then again, maybe she hasn't: I can't think of no one else using that awful car besides this ugly teacher.
    ¡Saludos!

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  3. PD: "Just think many people were involved in creating this thing!"
    This is my exact thought when I see a huge ad or banner with awful spelling mistakes. How many people had that before their eyes and were unable to detect that inexcusable error?
    Here an example... in Spanish, tough:http://seisdeenero.blogspot.com/2010/08/mas-perlitas.html

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  4. Scary, I believe you're missing out on the fact that cars are fundamentally ugly. (OK, so it isn't just you. I have no idea why anyone mistakenly believes the things to be attractive. But follow me, here.)

    Let's start with airplanes. Airplanes are cool, right? They have long, sweeping lines and angular wings balanced by well developed tails. They're reminiscent of hawks or eagles or falcons or whatever bird you might fancy.

    How about motorcycles? Actually, motorcycles are also cool; they're much more slender than they are long, with swaths of negative space in their profiles. And not only do their front halves visibly articulate, but they tilt from side to side when turning. The modern motorcycle is the closest heir we have to the once great cavalry steeds of the ancient and medieval world.

    OK, now look at cars. Pick any one you see outside and you'll find that it is a big lump with handles, mirrors, and wheels sticking out.

    Oh, I will grant that the Fiat Multipla is rather ugly even for a car. Yet the features about it that make it ugly are really the same features that are ugly about most cars:

    * Rocklike shape
    * Wider than it is tall
    * Sideview mirrors like Prince Charles' ears

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  5. I wanted one of those when they first came out and I was not even middle aged! Ugly? Yes. But also unique, which was the appeal for me. (Plus three seats in the front!)

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  6. @Tso: Hmm..Yes, that is pretty ugly. It is not agressively, in your face ugly though, as Fiat M. It is more like "I know I am ugly, so I will just hide somewhere in the dark corner so nobody would notice...sorry, sorry I know I have no right to exist..." Whereas FM is pretty proud of itself, really. :)))

    @Gabriela: What a horrible experience to have as a child! I hope it did not leave you damaged for the rest of your life. :)

    @Mark: You, as usual, have a valid point. But I disagree, because there are some BEAUTIFUL cars out there. I mean...surely, you must see the beauty of some of them? Think Lamborghini. Think Auston Martin..Cars are beautiful representatives of modern design and technology. I hate motorcycles with passion.:) But I can understand why some people might find them beautiful.

    @Tricia: Oh, no! NO! :)

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  7. @ Scary: You, as usual, are very diplomatic about disagreeing with your readers; I wonder whether your husband would have responded similarly to someone saying what I just did!

    You brought up the Lamborghini; I'll talk about that one since I think it is more attractive than the Aston Martin. I want you to look at the Lamborghini's *silhouette.* (This is something Nikolas Lloyd asks his readers to do when considering the virtuous ugliness of the Scottish Parliament Building: http://tinyurl.com/2adkcyw)

    Motorcycles, helicopters, airplanes, and sailboats all have distinctive and attractive silhouettes; cars do not. This is a big part of the aesthetic difference between panthers, falcons, and human beings on the one hand, and turtles, pigs, and penguins on the other.

    Yes, the Lamborghini's silhouette is decent with the doors up, and yes, the Lamborghini is obviously sleek and well textured. Yet it's made to function with the doors down, not up. In this configuration, the Lamborghini is still a wide, rocklike object with protruding sideview mirrors - just like the Aston Martin, just like the Fiat Multipla.

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  8. Nonsense. That car is eccentric. Things like the Ford Focus or Mondeo are 'settling' because they are so boringly average. This one is showing your quirky side.

    It is ugly though.

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  9. @Solnushka: Walking around with a condom on my head might look eccentric, yet not anyhow tempting! :)

    @Mark: Yeah....whatever! :) I think cars are stunning! You clearly just have some issue with ears. :)

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  10. Reading this post, the Fiat almost came to life for me. But a car is a car, primarily designed to get us from point A to point B, not much else. In Baku I drive a 20-year old Jeep Cherokee. Does that make me old-fashioned and boring? Perhaps. In any case the way we see design, beauty and coolness differs from person to person. It's very subjective. Thousands of people like Lady Gaga. But for me she is like the Fiat Multipla for Scary but with bigger social and cultural implications. That worries me more than the cars people drive.

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  11. @Natalia: Oh, Lady Gaga...I CANT STAND HER. :)))

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  12. No offence sweetie, but what is it with your obsession with beauty? Is it your personal shallowness or Middle Eastern collective shallowness talking (sorry I meant Central Asian shallowness)? First you write about a supposedly ugly woman then about this car. Nothing wrong with the car. I HATE shallowness! For me there is no such thing as ugly. If everything and everyone looked the same there would be no variety and variety is exactly what is beautiful in this world. Beauty is a disadvantage in the long run anyway. There was a story about a very beautiful woman in USA who got a job as a junior editor and when she tired to give her manager some advice he said:"shut up, I only hired you as eye candy" If I was the girl I would have literally killed him and then claimed compensation for emotional distress. I don't know if I have too much pride (Italian genes lol) or what but I'd rather someone slap me then offend my or someone else's dignity. And to me commenting on someone's looks in whatever way is an offensive form of discrimination since we don't choose what we look like. Sometimes I wish we'd all be faceless. Much more justice that way.

    PS I'm starting to get the picture that plain 5/10 Janes do much better as professional women than a 9/10 model material. Must be somethingg about the distractive quality of beauty.

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  13. @Anonymous:

    Have you seen the comment Mark left for you a little while ago? Sorry if you missed it. But maybe you don't come here to read anything at all, but to express your very proper, very b&w views on this unfair, shallow world...

    I just don't get it. I mess about and joke about all sorts of things, and you get all serious on me. There are plenty of serious blogs, political or(and it sounds like this could be more your cup of tea) feminist ones where you would enjoy it a lot more? why do you keep coming back to this blog if you dislike it so much here? :)

    PS Also, please! Don't call me "sweetie". That makes you sound very shallow. :)

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  14. Lol I thought it made me sound condescending rather than shallow. Good luck with your jokes but I just wanted to say that as much as I embrace modernity I think it went too far.

    IMO for good

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  15. @Anonymous: Oh, con-de-scending! Much better than being shallow. :)

    Let's just agree to disagree, my dear. (My version of your "sweetie")

    One can write a shallow posting and not be a shallow person. However, you surely sound pretty bad when you imply that the whole race is shallow, like you did earlier. That, plus the obvious dislike of the Asian women you expressed before, on top of your desire to appear condescending all add up into a great self-portrait. Sweetie.

    Modernity? :)))) What does modernity have to do with the price of fish?

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  16. very true about agreeing to disagree. Modernity has nothing to do with the price of fish albeit modern economy might have something to do with the price of fuel lol

    what I meant with the modernity thing was that it looks like (I may be wrong) a couple of decades ago when we had less we were happier. When there wasn't money in everything including people's looks, we actually had respect for each other. We actually saw each other as people not cars, jackets, hairstyles and there wassn't as much competition. Now even blooming marriage has become competition like mine lasted longer than yours ha ha.

    This spontaniety, respect and genuine hospitality is what lacks in "developed" nations. With my first generation friends from Africa and India I see a lot of what I see as missing in Euro American society.

    Rant over

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  17. @Anonymous:

    You see, now you are actually making more sense to me. :) I understand the idea behind your previous comments a bit better now, and I agree. Yes, we are lacking all that you have mentioned, and yes, I do think modern world and, in particular, Western world, has become too materialistic, too SATC, too ‘OMG, designer handbag!'

    However...I still think Fiat M. is fucking ugly! That does not make me shallow! It isn't my fault I have great taste. I was born like that. :)

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  18. Multiplas are cool in the same way original VW Beetles are cool. The same way 2CVs are cool. It's a design classic that's only let down by the fact it's a FIAT.

    Six sats, loads of room, mechanically very reliable and really annoys other people by dint of its sheer distinctiveness. Ugly as sin but beautiful in spirit.

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  19. @epocalypse: Spirit or not, it is pretty ugly. :-) It just offends me when I see it on the streets. Things you mentioned are purely practical- loads of room and reliability. So yes, it is practical, I will agree with that. Spirit? Not sure. I think Nissan Cube (the original, not the new version) has a spirit and tons of personality. Fiat Multipla does not. IMHO!

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  20. I saw the car in the picture and I got scared. I don't think we have that car here in the US. Maybe for a good reason.
    I myself choose things based on how they look but definitely take the practicality into consideration. There is nothing wrong with having nice balance between beauty and practicality. Recently I was shopping for the cars since my small size sedan would not do for our expanding family. And my husband really liked the new Ford Explorer due to its tech gadgets. The car looked okay . But then my salesperson who happened to be also a guy started pushing this other car, I think it was called Ford Flex. He kept talking how practical it was, spacious it was. Come to find out he was driving the same car. But the car looked like a wedding car ( white version) and funeral car ( black version) and god knows what with the other exterior colors. Long story short I did not get either of those cars because I did not want to be unhappy driver for the next 5 years. The one I ended up getting had the look, space, nice fuel economy, enough tech gadgets to satisfy my husband's needs. Even though the look is not important for some people but if you are person with the appreciation of esthetics, you can not avoid it and close your eyes to imperfections. It is just the way the person with good eye is built.

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  21. It looks like an alien transformer from Zworgubalandia wherever that is. Like it can do stunts for Monsters, Inc.

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  22. My mother refers to this abomination as a "trash can with wheels". Seriously, this outclasses the ugliness of a Volkswagen Golf.

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