Weapon of choice.

I have been thinking about Facebook recently, as you do. Not because they were messing about closing and opening scary azeri fan page like a bunch of retards. Oh, I know I am not supposed to use this word. But I love it. It is such a juicy, tasty word! Please, allow me to use it! I promise, I won’t do it often. Husband wanted to use it the other day (on me, of course!) and said: ‘That word, you know, which starts with re and ends with tard.’ He can be quite funny, that husband. That’s how he gets away with not mowing the lawn.

Anyway.

I was thinking that Facebook has become this weird place for people to share most intimate events in their lives. And I don’t mean I went to the toilet 4 times today and all 4 times were very successful.
I mean some serious, life-changing events. Someone lost his dog. I lost a dog once too, and I know how awful that can be. But I knew, you see, I just knew.... I knew that, to some people, especially amongst Azeris who in their majority don’t treat animals as family members, my sadness would be the cause of great amusement. People thought it was absolutely hysterical that my dog “committed a suicide.” I knew and I tried to cope on my own, and not mention it too often.

But this friend of mine...He put status updates on his wall. 'Oh, baby. I am sorry I was not there when you passed away...' kind of messages. Even to me, a dog-loving person, this was too much.

People do all sorts of things on Facebook. I would not be too shocked if tomorrow someone discovers an alternative to phone sex- a Facebook sex. Why not? We already replaced phones with social networking sites almost entirely.

Facebook brings lovers together after a split up and unites friends who were on non-speaking terms. What’s next?

So what? I hear you ask. Those are all lovely, nice things. Like bringing people together, mending broken hearts, using it as a form of therapy.....blah blah. I hear you. But! That is not the only stuff one can use Facebook for.

You see, things that would not happen in real life happen on Facebook.

Say, your ex lovers.

You go out with someone, you split up for whatever reason and most probably, you never see them again.

But not in the Facebook world!

Thanks to Facebook, you can keep an eye over your ex lovers’ lives. What they are up to, who they are dating or marrying, and all sorts of other things you would never otherwise have to know. And most of us are OK with that. Most of us are decent people who, despite having been dumped or cheated on, wish our exes well.

But imagine, just hypothetically that you don’t like your ex. Say he or she did something really unpleasant to you, like drown your cat or something, I don’t know. How great is Facebook for taking a sudden, unexpected and sweet revenge?

Hypothetically speaking, you could do one of the following: (applies to males and females. I am just using the male form for simplicity. Also, women are bitchier so the chances of us doing it to men are stronger.)

1. You could post a message on your ex’s wall announcing he was really pretty crap in bed.
2. You could look up his current partner amongst his friends and post something on her wall. See above for an idea.
3. If he is married (and might have even been already married when he dated you) you could tell his wife he is a cheating whore. She probably knows by now, but it will still piss her off. His wife most probably is in his FB friends. You might need to friend her first, but people are not that fussy. She will probably accept you without realizing the potential impact this decision will have on her marriage.
4. You can blackmail him, should (3) be the case.
5. You can send him a (virtual) picture of a boiled bunny.

See?

Now, I don’t actually hate any of my exes. I don’t know why, I just go through these ‘it does not matter anymore, water under the bridge’ thoughts in my head, and tend to happily accept them as Facebook friends. The ones who are still alive. Because, sadly, one of them is not. And when I think of his wasted life, I think that it is great that the others are fine and doing well. I like the fact they are OK, and that we can be Facebook buddies,even if things did not work out some very, very long time ago. And no, I won’t put any nasty messages on their walls. I will keep their secrets. And don’t I know a few!