Russian Chastushki in English?

Someone sent me these the other day, and I thought (partially because I am hopelessly bored at work, and partially because it would be just wrong not to) that I should share them with you. If you think there must be some powerful hidden message between the lines, then you are of course, mistaken.

Russian Chastushki, just like Russian jokes, are not always easy to translate or understand. Just relax and enjoy.



How would Russian Chastushki sound in English:



Рыбка плавает в томате,

Ей в томате хорошо,

Только я, едрена матерь,

Места в жизни не нашел.

Fish in thick tomato sauce


Swims in happy comatose,


Only me, pathetic wimp,


Have no fucking place to swim.



По реке плывет топор из села Чугуева,

Ну и пусть себе плывет железяка х*ева...

Down the river drifts an axe from the town of Byron,


Let it float by itself- fucking piece of iron!!!



Я лежала с Коленькой совершенно голенькой,

Потому что для красы я сняла с себя трусы.

I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked;


I have taken off my panties just to make a statement.



С неба звездочка упала

Прямо милому в штаны,

Пусть горит там, что попало,

Лишь бы не было войны.

Starlet's fallen from the heavens right into my boyfriend's briefs,


I don't mind his roasted penis if it helps us live in peace