Wednesday, 30 March 2011

'Size matters', said the Blue Whale to the Common Shrew

I need to confess that my humour is that of a 12 year old boy. Things that I find funny are so often crude and immature. Fortunately, I don’t like fart jokes or other forms of toilet humour. However, I realize that what I consider funny has no place in a lady’s mind.

You can sometimes get a glimpse of this 12-year old boy trapped in the 35+ year old woman’s body when you hear about some of the movies I enjoy watching.

At work, I happily exchange quotes from Don’t Mess With The Zohan with our young male secretary when nobody else understands, and laugh over and over again. The reason other people don’t understand is because they are mature and sensible. Movies like Don’t Mess With The Zohan are not their idea of fun.

'You must watch Due Date!' the secretary tells me, and I advice him not to miss The Other Guys.

And then, Husband tells me I don’t read enough news. He says I am not interested in what is going on in the world. That is totally untrue! I do and I am. Only yesterday for example, I was excited to learn the fact that the female blue whale is the species with the biggest vagina. Allegedly, it measures between 1.8 and 2.4 meters in length. In comparison, the whole of me is only 1.64 meters, and that is if I stand up straight.

That (pretty cool) fact got me thinking further about stuff. I wondered how well endowed a male blue whale must be. Of course, I had to Google it. Which turned out to be pointless as, of course, impossible to know. The only way to find out would be to measure it whilst the blue whale is… you know, excited. Which I assume nobody but the female blue whale would dare to a) provoke b) investigate. They can only assume that it is around 2.4 meters long.

‘Did you know?’ I followed husband around the kitchen ‘that the smallest penis belongs to a common shrew?’ Husband looked at me with what was almost a sad expression. He must often ask himself what it would be like to have a normal wife.

‘But listen,’ I added, still hoping to impress him with my knowledge. ‘Did you know about the spiny anteater? Well, a spiny anteater has a 4- headed penis. Interestingly, he does not use all four heads at once, but can use a different set of two every time!’

 ‘No, I did not know that.’  Husband said ‘But I suggest you Google Koala and Komodo dragons’. So I, of course, did. Never knew they had two penises each!

But, that is some fascinating stuff! No wonder my respectable in-laws watch endless nature programs on TV.


  1. I think I agree with Husband: you aren't reading enough news!

  2. Rogerebert's review of Don't Mess with the Zohan also makes me want to see it. He writes:

    "No thinking adult should get within a mile of this film. I must not have been thinking. For my sins, I laughed. Sorry. I'll try to do better next time."

  3. @Gabriela: Probably. :) I blame the hormones.

    @Shannon: Have you seen any of those movies?

    @Mark: That sounds like a good review :)) But, the movie is actually quite good. It also has this healthy outlook at the Israel/Palestine conflict, with a good humour and probably unrealistic hope for everyone living happily ever after...but still extremely enjoyable.

  4. @Mark: I looked up this review of the Zohan...Loved this bit:

    "shameless in its eagerness to extract laughs from every possible breach of taste or decorum, and why am I even mentioning taste and decorum in this context?"


  5. @ Scary: Really it's none of my business, but I can't help siding with the Palestinians. They were there first, and they're pretty up front about being terrorist/patriot/fundamentalists, while Israel pretends to be nothing at all like a pack of Nazis with nukes.

    I'll let you know what I think of the Zohan when I get a chance to see it.

  6. Not haven seen the movie, I'm going to take a wild guess and say it's a pro-Israeli film. You know, based on previous Hollywood experiences. Read: any kind of media that comes out of the USA.

    @Mark, if you're a citizen of a NATO-member nation-state, it is your business whether you like it or not.

  7. @Mark @Kaweh: This is how sad our modern life has become. I bring up the biggest penis in the world and where do we end up? Discussing bloody politics again! :)) There sure is enough said about this, but I have to say to Kaweh- No, it isn't actually pro-Israeli.Neither is it pro-Palestine. It just laughs at people in general, cultural things, the blind stupid hatred, etc. That is why I personally liked it. Plus it is very rude. :)

  8. @ Scary: Here I was thinking politics was a nice change from sex!

    Incidentally, the female blue whale also has the largest mammary glands in the world, which is quite impressive seeing as how she has no legs or hands. Evidently male blue whales are only interested in one or two things (although I don't know how I myself would feel about the prospect of a sexual encounter with a bald paraplegic with no neck.)

    Click here for Blue Whale Porn!

  9. Funny stuff. I married an Azeri girl(for better or worse-not sure yet) and
    after reading your blog I think she could be your older sister!! LOL

  10. Lol very funny. I have no problem with your sense of humor as I am not the most mature person either.