Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Need help? Get an arse pair.

I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing

Mixalot Sir, I Like Big Buts

Oh, no. My mother is going back to Baku after a few months of staying with us. That means, I will be left without my dæmon. 

'Well,' Husband announced in his usual supportive manner, 'you will just have to cope by yourself, like everybody else.'

The truth is, however, that not everybody does. In reality, every mother I know has her own ways of getting help. Some have their family living nearby, others have mother’s help or nannies coming a few times a week, or au pairs living with them. 

Au pairs are possibly the cheapest form of help a middle class yummy mummy can hope to have in this country. They cook, clean, look after the children and generally help around the house. The only problem with them, of course is that they are a live-in help. I.e. they live in your house, every day and every night. That might suit some people, but for others it can be an interesting hmm...situation.

That is what one of my mummy friends discovered when she decided to go back to full-time job and hire an au pair from abroad. 

Here you have two choices. 

You can be Azeri about it and bring a “relative” to visit you for six month, such as a distant cousin, who basically is someone you pay pennies, provide food for and basically employ illegally. Once the visa expires, you bring someone else. Or, like this friend of mine, you can go along the legal route and hire someone properly. 

The legal way with au pairs in the UK is to hire someone young, often Eastern European, someone who wants to get the experience of living in the UK and study English.

So this is what my friend chose to do. When she introduced me to her new au pair, I noticed that the girl was reasonably pretty, incredibly young and Eastern European. She turned out to be Hungarian.  One thing that I remembered most of all from her image, for some reason, was her enormous arse. It was round, perky and squeezed in very tight jeans.
'Interesting!', I said. 'So you are okay with a 20+ year old Hungarian girl (read: with an enormous arse) to move into your house and live with you and your husband? '

'Yes, why not?' My friend asked defensively. She clearly did not see the Hungarian arse as a threat. 

A few months on, we met again at her lovely big house in the countryside. A much older, not very good-looking lady was helping at the kitchen. Later, after a couple of glasses of vine, my friend started to explain the change in the house. 

The Hungarian girl had to go, she said. It just did not feel right to have such a young girl living with them. She hated the fact that it made he appear insecure or unfair. 'Look!' she said, as I started laughing, 'she really was not that good at her job!'

'Come on!' I said. 'Just confess. It is not about her being not good enough. It is about that sexy arse in tight jeans'

My friend jumped up on the sofa in excitement. ‘Well, yes! Did you see that arse???!!!!’

‘Did I see it!?’ I said. ‘I saw nothing but the arse!’ 

It turned out, the sexy curvy arse did not go unnoticed in the village. 

‘When I return from work....’ her neighbour said to her once, ‘and see your au pair walking in front of me....I just know I am home.'

My friend tried to be reasonable, but the tight jeans and the curvy arse was everywhere she looked. And- of course!-she trusted her husband. But why, she asked thoughtfully, would you make yourself vulnerable?  Why bring the temptation right into your house?

The girl was also a bit silly. You see, here is a good lesson, in case you are in your early twenties, have a peachy arse, like to pack it into tight jeans and want to learn some English by working for a family in the UK: Do not stay up late watching TV with the husband when the wife is so tired from the day in the office, she has to go to bed early. Not a good idea, my friend. Be friendly, but not with the husband. And trust me, your love for football (that makes you stay up late to watch a match) will not keep you employed.

‘So now...’my friend said, ‘I have this old lady’. Her husband was not happy, she added. He constantly complained that the new au pair is too old and did not do things right. 

'Oh, Husband walked in on our little chat. 'You don’t have your pretty au pair anymore?'

Both my friend and I attacked him like a two-headed dragon. Was she pretty? Did he think she was?!!!! Did he? Did he???!!!!

Husband sensed the danger. 'Well, I thought she was nice’, he said tentatively. 

'I bet you did', I thought, making a mental note to never hire a 20+ Eastern European au pair.


  1. LOL!
    Getting help is complicated in so many ways. In Peru, it's usual to have help. We call live-in help literally inside-bed (cama adentro). And there is another method, outside-bed (cama afuera), which means the lady goes to your house every day you agree upon and works for some hours. Let´s say, from 9 am to 5 pm.

  2. ha! i was just singing that song :)

  3. Hm. This au pair, she's currently unemployed? Our kids have been stressing wife out lately; having help around the house would definitely be nice.

  4. Loved this one!xxxxx

  5. I love the initial disconnects between the Sir Mixalot song, then your Mom, and THEN the Hungarian big-arse au-pair. For a second there, I thought you were gonna talk about your mum's arse! LOL

  6. @Anon: Thanks. I'm trying to be less obnoxious and more funny, in order to build Scary's tolerance for the next time she brings up religion, or how attractive cars are.