Wednesday, 7 March 2012

My father passed away.

My father passed away two days ago.

It is not something i can really blog about. What is there, really, to say?
that it was a shock? That he went too early, too fast?

They buried him before i even knew. Part of me feels like i did not get to say goodbye. Part of me is grateful for having been spared the terrible trauma of being there, seeing him dead, seeing him getting put in the ground. In my memories, he is alive and talking to me.

Not only do i feel shocked by what happened and obviously very sad, but also, it feels like a whole big chapter of my life has come to an end. My dad's family, big and friendly, with generous spread at every occassion, gathering around to drink, eat and shout at the table...all gone. My cousin and I, speaking via Skype from Canada to Qatar, discussed it last night.

Do you feel this, too, i said to her, that we are the last little pieces of that family jigsaw. Tomorrow, when we are gone, our chidldren will not sit together at a big table. They will not even be there together at our funerals. Who knows where will I be buried, or where my cousin will end up? Our children, raised in different countries all over the world, will never have what we had.

Of course, i also feel awful for having not seen my dad for three years. Money issues, babies and other commitments kept getting in the way. The last time i was in baku, my parents and i, together with my older child sat on a bench at the Boulevard. It was a sunny day, and we were just sitting there, happy, eating ice-cream and watching my girl run around. And my mother, as older people back home love to do, pointed out to me, that i must memorize this day. Imprint it in your heart, she said, because very possibly, this is the last time we sit together like this. Of course, i told her to "stop it!" then. But she turned out to be right.

It is not normal for the English people, for example, to say things like that. To be worried about not living to see each other next year. And I wonder if that is because people don't die as suddenly or as early in the UK as they do back in Azerbaijan, where medicine is so pathetic, and doctors are useless. Who knows how long my aunt would have lived in a different country. Who knows how much medical attention my father would have had in the UK. Life expectancy in Azerbaijan is one of the worst in the region. So yes, my mother was not predicting the future. She was just being realistic about life.


  1. Dear Scary Azeri, this is very sad and it is hard to find words to support you. This is the worst thought that I have now and again about my parents and how much I miss them and how much there is always in a way.
    I am sure your father was happy to know that you are settled and have a loving family, that you are successful and interesting person that he brought up, that you are going through life and you enjoy it, that you are out in a big world and you live your life and not sitting around waiting for things to happen.

    Keep your father in your heart as I am sure that is the place he always kept you.

  2. So sorry for your loss:( Wishing you strength at this difficult time. Sending you lots of love and hugs from here.

  3. I guess we are going through similar things right now. My dad passed away last week today. Except, i was actually there. We brought him from Turkey to his village where he was born. Perhaps its good that you didn't see it, because every time I close my eyes, i see him wrapped in white cloth... Its hard times, I miss him and all I can say to you is what everybody been telling me these past few days, stray strong. My sincere condolences, may he rest in peace. Allah Rehmet Elesin.

  4. Tough times.

    Your father was an interesting man, Scary.

    Would you like to tell us more about him, from when he was alive?

  5. It's a cliche but, like all of them, it's true. There are no words that can help. I'm sorry, as all your friends are, that you've lost your dad and, from the sound of it, far too early. When the grief's eased, make sure it's all the positive images of him and happy times with him that prevail.

  6. I am so sorry for your loss.

  7. I was sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. I still remember him a little from childhood days in our neighborhood. It is so true what you said, our children are growing in a very different world. I feel sorry for them for not having those big family get-togethers, and for not being as close to their grandparents and extended family as we were. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

  8. I'm so sorry, Scary. Recive my deepest sympathies.
    My dad died at 41, when i was 8. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye either. Everybody thought we three children were too young. But my dad is part of my life, he is with me every single day. All I can tell you is I hope you may feel your dad like that too.

  9. Words are not enough. Virtual conversation is inadequate, when you need to give a hug. My Dad died almost 22 years ago, but I remember him like we spoke yesterday. I talk to him all the time, especially when I have a big decision to make. So, in a way, he is always with me.
    And, I'm grateful that our Azeri relatives didn't ask us and just buried him next to his brothers and parents in the village. As life throws us around the world, at least I know he will never be alone there.

  10. I can really relate to everything you said, having lost my mom under similar circumstances in 2010. I often think about things you said here - but it is the price we pay for having chosen to live in a far-away country and, for various reasons, not being able to have our parents by our side every day.

    1. Sorry to hear that, must have been awful for you, and probably still is.

  11. I am very so sorry for your loss, dear. Words are failing me right now…yet I believe there is one thing that must be said and that is that as atheists we must live in acceptance with the reality of life, and that perhaps instead of letting our thoughts revolve in an infinite loop around this one day when a life of a loved one ends, we must celebrate his life instead, as no single day, no matter how torturous or devastating, must never overshadow the decades of decent, good, prosperous life.

    I join Mark in that I ask that when the time permits, you write a little about your father, and in this celebrate his life and allow us too.

    Very much love to you and your family.

  12. I'm very sorry :(

  13. Beautifully written and expressed

  14. I am very sorry for your loss. Let's hope that "time cures" will help you to get over this grief and hard time of being on your own there.

    Hopefully you will be able to see your family soon to share the memories of your beloved father.

  15. Oh, so sorry d/ling.
    It hurts and it will always hurt when you think if him. But you will tell your girls all the beautiful stories of him and fell proud but sad like some part of you is missing. My other friend shared their sad feeling of losing parents and I am so scared of that moment.
    Be strong and think of only the good times. It will help you to keep you cheeky smile and positive spirit.
    Thinking of you and hope that T will be there for you to comfort you. You run far so I can only send you hugs and my deepest sympathy.
    Your Kew friend

  16. Just wanted to say thanks, everybody for kind messages.

  17. Hello, My father also passed away on the same day as your father! I'm am very sorry for your loss i can relate so much to you. My life has not been the same and probably never will. I feel so lost. I don't understand why he didn't tell us he was sick. My daughter's were very close to him...he was the first one to hold and feed each of them after birth and has always been there. I am sad but a part of me is happy for him because i now know he is safe and noone can hurt him ever again but then a part of me is really sad and i cry everyday wondering when he is coming in my dreams. I hope you can find just a little bit of normal in your life but as I see it it will take a very long time. My dad still cried speaking about his mother who passed 23 yrs ago and that's how i see myself. I will keep you in my prayers! Just know that your father will ALWAYS live inside YOU!!!