I have been so bad at blogging recently, haven't i. And i barely email friends. ( which a lot of them are probably grateful for)
Somehow, my day ends before it starts here, in Doha. Everything takes longer. Going to the shops... to school...talking to my mum....everything needs a whole day on its own. It is hard to explain unless you have experienced it yourself.
Lots of events almost happened since we moved. I hate when things almost happen, whether I wanted them to or not. Like when i got contacted by House Hunters International asking if they could film our crazy family move to Doha. Of course, i started asking too many questions ((as i might seem to you all like a person who would expose herself (not literally of course) on TV for everyone to laugh at, but really i don't like looking stupid if i can at all avoid it.))
I asked if they were going to pay me for it. They said eh, well, not really. Not much. So, i said..why would i do it then. Are you going to mention Azerbaijan at least? Not that i am known hmm...for my hmm...patriotism amongst my more aggressively patriotic brothers back home, but nevertheless, i like to do my little part for the motherland every now and again. At this point, the guy disappeared. He either got told by the Qataris the crew were not welcome to film in Doha and he forgot to tell me, or they have found someone more easily available. As we can see from above, i am available-only at a price.
Now that we established that, lets move on to another event that almost happened. One of my readers contacted me from Baku asking if i would like to speak at the Baku TEDx event. What the heck is that? was my first thought.
I posted a question on Facebook, and was shocked to find out that a lot of people actually know what it is. I mean, don't people have anything to do?
In any case, whatever that TED thing was, it was clear that i should be flattered to be asked. And i felt very flattered. Despite the fact that some of my friends insisted TED might be cool, but of course, an Azeri TED is very much NOT. Whether it is or isn't I never found out as, to my huge shame, I did not go.
And this is what this structure-less posting is all about.
I always feel that other mothers of small children are coping so much better than I do. That they manage it all, they loose weight a lot faster, they write books, get sexy jobs and well, go on TV shows and speak at TED events...Whereas me...well, i am shagged out, guys. I am literally on my knees with this bloody motherhood.
And, despite really wanting to speak at the TED Baku event, I simply could not face it.
It would mean travelling for a few days with the baby (who is still breastfed and can't be abandoned at home). It would mean driving to Azerbaijan embassy in Doha to
a) pick up an application form
b) deliver it back with some photos of me and the baby...
get the visa...blah blah blah.....plus, i was not sure my current Qatari visa was that flexible for me to come in and out of the country....so it all became too much. And I hate, absolutely hate giving something up because of small complications. So what, i asked myself, you need to fly to Baku with the baby? So what 'you need a visa'? You are just looking for excuses because you can't be ...what's the polite word for arsed?...bothered to make so much effort. And that was sort of true.
I am tired. And old. And I feel worn out by the end of the day. All i want to do is get a huge glass of wine and collapse on the sofa. And i cant even do that as I am trying to loose weight. So maybe, i thought, i should just admit it. I am not a cool modern woman who can easily manage it all. I cant allow film crew into my private home for three days, telling myself "it will be fun!" because really, it wont. It would be very stressful, tiring, invasive and frankly, pathetic.
And i cant be speaking at a TED event right now because i just...cant. And if this all makes me a looser then i guess i just have to live with that.