This morning I woke up and the day started. I got my older child up, I made her lunch, I saw her off to school. I got the small one up. I made her porridge. I looked at Facebook, to see what was happening. And everything was okay. Yet, I saw his name on the right hand side. Not online. No longer there.
I then had breakfast. I got showered and took my baby to a music class. We had a brilliant time. I drove the car there, and chatted to a friend. It never crossed my mind again until later when I heard someone sing. The singer's voice reminded me of him. He had a lovely voice. No longer there.
And then almost a whole day passed without thinking about him. Because, you see, it has almost been a year since he passed away. Almost a whole year. And then my baby said "Daddy?" when someone knocked on the door. 'No', I said, 'Not yet. Too early. He is still at work'.
But the actual word was a reminder. Made me think of my daddy. Gone. Not at work, but forever now. How is that possible?
EVERY TIME I say Daddy, which happens so often when you have children yourself, I think of my father. I try to say it in English, as it sounds different. I don't use the word papa in Russian. Not to remind myself again. Yet, somehow, my brain is quick at translating: They have a daddy. You don't have one anymore.
It has almost been a year.