Sunday, 4 October 2015

What not to wear, or Scary Azeri's new (potential) business.

A friend of mine told me recently that, judging from my Facebook pictures, all I do these days is drink a lot. She even assumed, not sure why? That I don’t even read anything anymore. My brain, according to her, is atrophying. OK, I thought. She is being mean, but she has got a point. I do not work. And I do party more than I did in the UK. Even though, I do still read a lot. And not just Facebook stuff. 

So, the question is…Should I worry about it. Should I be thinking of getting a full time job? Another friend told me the other night that to her, I was someone who would not enjoy doing nothing all day for too long. 'You will get bored', she said 'and you probably will find that you need a mental stimulation. So you might want to look for a job'. 

 The problem of course is that I am not bored. Not yet. Not really.

 And I do not want a full time job. It will affect my routine quite significantly, in a bad kind of way, you know?

But I would like to do something. I do think my brain is deteriorating.

And, being smart as I am, I just came up with a beautiful idea.

You see, every time we sit in Paul’s with our coffee and watch people walking by, I see people dressed in unbelievably ugly clothes. In fact, there clearly are two major problems, linked to each other. One is that some people do not understand what suits their shape and what makes it a lot uglier than it already is. And secondly, some things should have never been designed, approved, sold and then bought and most importantly, worn. In public. By anyone.

For example, these pants.

I am not sure my sketch does them justice. They had a pattern of very brightly colored shapes, with the biggest one forming a black triangle, that was centrered right between poor woman’s thighs, sort of gently disappearing between her buttocks.

Or, today, I saw a rather large unit as Husband would refer to it, in bright pink sweatpants. In case it was not obvious, there was a big sign on her arse that read PINK.

Like this. 

And you know what? That big, round Kim Kardashian style backside is so in fashion right now, she could totally make it look good. In something else. In fact, in almost anything else but those pants. 

So, I think, it will be a bit like Simon Cowell, and a bit of What Not to Wear program I used to watch in the UK… What I mean is, it will be brutal. Sometimes you have got to be cruel to be kind.

Like this one woman I saw the other day who looked simply heartbreakingly awful in very tight ripped jeans. So she would just need to be told that, with her shape, these trousers are a NO.

But, she might argue…But…they are so cute…


But….I really want….




'I don’t think it is a good idea', my friend said, shaking her head. 'You will get in trouble'.

'Well, I am terrible with clothes!' a Russian friend interrupted. 'If I like a dress, for example, I always buy three of the same. At least three. Maybe four!'

Watch this, I said to the friend who claimed I would get in trouble.

Look, I said to the Russian girl. You don’t need 4 identical dresses. It is stupid.

Yes, I know, she said, but…

Listen, I said NO! You cant buy 4 identical dresses because you do not need them. That's just stupid and insane.  

See? I said. Where's the trouble? No trouble. 

That will be 50 QAR I said. You are welcome. 

 Yes. I think I will be very good at this. 

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