Friday, 14 May 2010

I hate you, Jim Carrey.

One of the main reasons I love the school my child goes to now (but might not go to from September) is that, somehow, it feels like it is all about the mummies. Yes, it is a good school; yes it gets great Ofsted reports. Whatever. It is about the mummies first. Our coffee mornings, our play dates, lunches and charity events. It reminds me of back home.
Selfishly, I quite like that.

Tomorrow night we are attending a school ball. It is supposed to be a black tie event, and everyone is getting ready. Spray tan, pedicures and whatever else...
I am ready too. As always, when something important is coming up, I look like sh**t.

My nose is red due to the nasty cold, and now- thanks to the suction cups my mother kindly massaged me with last night- my back is covered in the blackish-purplish round bruises. Do I have to mention my long black dress is low-cut at the back? And of course, my eye got infected- just in time; so I cant wear contacts. So I think I will definitely steal the show.

But -enough moaning!

I was going to tell you about the other event we recently organized and attended.

It was a charity private movie viewing in a member’s only club in Soho. Very posh.

I could not miss such an event. I like posh. I also rarely visit Soho these days, being a boring suburban mama with endless health issues, so I was excited at this chance to prove to the world I am still cool and trendy. I like trendy.

And even the fact that the film had Jim Carrey in it, did not stop me.

You know I am an intolerant person. So it won’t surprise you if I tell you that I hate Jim Carrey.

In a way, watching this film gave me an almost masochistic pleasure. I am simply amazed how a human being can be so repulsive in every little detail. Not only his smile, which, of course, is the worst part of him, but even the back of his head makes me want to kill him.

I get distracted, sorry. What I wanted to tell you is this:

if you feel strongly against one of the following:

a) Porn
b) Gays
c) Gay porn
d) Jim Carrey
e) Jim Carrey- naked
f) Jim Carrey- naked and gay involved in gay porn

Then I would strongly recommend that you DO NOT watch I Love You Phillip Morris

I don’t really like porn, and I - have I told you? - hate Jim Carrey. But I don’t get shocked too easily, so I laughed at the rude moments, and overall, enjoyed the evening.

But even more than the movie itself, I enjoyed the heavy, stunned silence in the private cinema room. The silence coming from a few very square, very decent mothers who came along to participate for charity.

Right in the front there was a little table with an ice bucket and two bottles of wine in it. I had finished my G&T by then and kept wondering if I could sneak up to the table in the dark, without getting noticed. But I did not dare. The atmosphere was just too....heavy.

I felt naughty enough that I kept giggling every time penis-shaped clouds appeared in the sky. They were so big I could feel all those serious church goers in the room freeze in shock and fear and reach for their chains in the dark- to punish themselves for what they had just seen. And when Ewan Mcgregor went down on Jim Carrey in the boat...Well, I thought some of them would leave. But they did not. Maybe, deep inside, they were curious, you know? Not your average suburban mama movie, let me tell you. Oh and by the way, Ewan Mcgregor was absolutely f***ing superb.


  1. Ewan is always superb... and Jim Carrey, well, you know.
    By the way, I DON'T like Mamma Mia either.

  2. Now I have to see that movie. I'm afraid I'm one of those weirdos who LOVES Jim Carey! No one plays an idiot better than him. Great piece...and I'm sure you'll look lovely tonight. Have fun. Tx

  3. OK, leaving aside your Jim Carrey phobia (I know, I know, you can't leave it aside, but humour me), surely there was some pleasure to be had in the discomfiture of the 'serious church goers'?

    Oh, and this evening, while you're wowing them with your backless dress revealing all that evidence of domestic abuse, I shall be in full kilt regalia at a wedding. I'm driving so there'll be no drunken revelry (from me, at least) but I'll raise a glass of something or other to you. Have a great time.

  4. I'm with you, Scary. I also hate Jim Carrey. Can tolerate all other stuff you mentioned, but not him. He's the human equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard...

  5. @ Gabriela:
    I think Onnik wants some chocolates! See his comment on the choc posting. :)

    @ Bill: I was lucky actually. It was very, very dark. I was driving, too. I am on medication for my crazy spinning head. Inner ear. I am all fun and nothing but.